


Whisper the words, "I love you"

by bunny_suho (strawberryhues)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: A little bit of fluff, Angst, M/M, Romance, baekxing in the background, failing marriage!au, oh and i guess there's smut, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 10:28:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8841070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberryhues/pseuds/bunny_suho
Summary: Jongin thinks Kyungsoo is falling out of love with him. Baekhyun thinks he has the perfect solution.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is unedited word vomit, and was written back in July/August. Cross posted from AFF (http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1156502/whisper-the-words-i-love-you-angst-romance-kaisoo).

 

 

Jongin isn’t too sure on how or why it started. All he knows is that one day things started to go to shit. Marriage and relationships are never easy. It takes communication, understanding, and a lot of warmth for it to last. And at first, he really thought that they could do it. He really thought that Kyungsoo would be a person that he’ll stay with until the day he dies. But fast forward five years later, after the day a proposal was accepted, and Jongin is second guessing.

 

Love. He wonders if Kyungsoo forgot what that feels like.

 

 

 

“We’re late,” Jongin grumbles as he tries to fix his tie in the passenger seat. Kyungsoo is driving, eyes concentrating on the road but there’s irritation clear on his face. The feeling is mutual, the air surrounding them also invaded by the emotion.

 

“I know,” Kyungsoo says with clear annoyance in his tone. “Whose fault is that?”

 

Jongin lets out a frustrated sigh and gives up on his tie, instead tossing it on the floor and folding his arms. He’s being immature, he knows. But he can’t help it when everything Kyungsoo does lacks any kind of warmth. He’s always annoyed, always blaming Jongin. “You’re the one who didn’t want to go in the first place,” he says. “All because you don’t want to have to hold my hand in front of our friends, or act like we’re still a happy couple.”

 

“That’s not true.” Jongin doesn’t say anything and stares out the window instead, a small feeling of hurt in his chest. Because Jongin knows it’s true. He knows Kyungsoo, has known him for longer than they’ve been married. He can tell when Kyungsoo is uncomfortable and every time they meet their friends, the signs show. It’s because they pretend; holding hands, sitting close, smiling at each other, but it’s never real. It only makes Kyungsoo’s shoulders tense in such a way that only Jongin can see.

 

Kyungsoo and Jongin are both private people. They’ve always preferred to keep the details of their relationship a secret from their friends. It’s better that way, more comforting. But these days, the distance between them is evident to any stranger. Jongin is always on edge, ready to argue because Kyungsoo is always irritated at _something_.

 

These days, Kyungsoo isn’t as gentle as he used to be. Instead he’s become quieter, annoyed, and cold. He’s always distant, never close. Jongin hates it, and it’s what leads to their frequent arguments—each argument doing nothing but pushing them further and further apart.

 

It’s a vicious cycle that, and as the days go by, their marriage continues to fall apart. It makes Jongin feel hopeless.

 

 

 

They arrive at the restaurant. It’s Baekhyun’s birthday that’s being celebrate with only a few friends at the most expensive restaurant Yixing could find. Baekhyun likes expensive things, even if he won’t admit it out loud. And Yixing is always eager to give Baekhyun whatever he wants.

 

They greet their friends, fake smiles plastered on their faces as they pretend to be the happily married couple everyone sees them as. Jongin has to force the distance between him and Kyungsoo to lessen, trying to mask the irritation he feels because _Kyungsoo’s not trying_.

 

Baekhyun is Jongin’s friend, has been since freshman year of college. The then-engineering-major had decided to follow Jongin around, forcing himself into Jongin’s life as his friend. Somehow they ended up growing close.

 

Within their circle, Jongin and Kyungsoo have always been regarded as the honeymoon couple. Mostly because, during their 10 years of dating and 5 years of marriage, the couple acted as newlyweds. Jongin would follow Kyungsoo like a lost puppy, Kyungsoo would look at Jongin like he was the only person in the world. They would hold hands, Kyungsoo would smile and laugh even if Jongin’s jokes were stupid. They did everything together, was always together.

 

And now, after almost a year of fighting, that connection is lost. They try their best to keep their personal issues away from Baekhyun’s keen eyes. (More like Jongin does, Kyungsoo barely ever interacting with him or touching him.) However, that tactic fails when Baekhyun raises an eyebrow—expression knowing—when Kyungsoo leaves to use the restroom. “You two are acting weird,” Baekhyun states.

 

Jongin chokes on his coke, grabbing a napkin to cover his mouth as he regains control. “What do you mean?” He asks, suddenly feeling anxious. It’s just the two of them. Yixing went off to the restroom with Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol and Sehun are flirting with the waitresses (who are supposed to be working) over by the bar.

 

“I mean that usually you two can’t keep your eyes off each other. But today, you haven’t looked at him once. All you’ve done was quietly eat, and smile like someone is forcing you with a gun to your head or something. It’s weird.”

 

“Are you insinuating something?” Jongin asks. Beneath the table, his fingers are tapping at his leg—a nervous habit—as he prays that Baekhyun will drop the conversation. But he knows his friend, has known him for some years now, and he knows better than to think that Baekhyun hasn’t figured it out.

 

“Since you asked, are you two alright? Is there something going on? Are you fighting? I’m your best friend, you can trust me.”

 

“Technically, Sehun is my best friend,” Jongin says. Baekhyun pouts and Jongin has to resist the urge to smile at the expression. “Kyungsoo and I are fine, really. I don’t know why you’re worrying.” Baekhyun doesn’t believe him, if the way he narrows his eyes are anything to go by. But he doesn’t get the chance to further question it when Kyungsoo returns with Yixing.

 

Jongin glances over at his husband who is now smiling as he talks with Yixing, and quickly looks away. He ignores the knowing smirk on Baekhyun’s face.

 

 

 

“If you hate me that much then you should just say so.” Kyungsoo, who is now switching shirts in their bedrooms, turns to Jongin with a confused expression. It’s kind of annoying the way he always acts like he doesn’t understand. “At dinner, you didn’t even try to look like we’re okay.” Jongin doesn’t notice that he’s wearing a pout. It’s not like he can help it anyway, and it used to be what Kyungsoo would find cute. In the past years, that pout was enough to take the heat out of their arguments and Kyungsoo’s eyes would soften, and he would then apologize for whatever hurtful thing he had said or done.

 

 It’s not like that anymore, Jongin thinks as he stares at the blank expression his husband wears.

 

“What did you want me to do?” Kyungsoo pulls on a white T-shirt and goes to sit on the bed, still looking at Jongin.

 

Jongin doesn’t respond, too embarrassed to admit that he wanted to feel like before. Back when they would look at each other and hug and hold hands. He doesn’t want to look stupid thinking that maybe if they did those little acts Kyungsoo might love him again. Because in these moments, he starts to question it. Starts to wonder if maybe Kyungsoo is only still with him because he’d feel guilty leaving Jongin alone—pity. Maybe Kyungsoo is just tired of him.

 

So they end the conversation there. At least, Jongin does when he spits out a “never mind” and changes the subject to something less touchy, less emotional. The evening goes on as usual and so do the days after that.

 

 

It’s weeks after the celebration that Baekhyun invites the couple out. They’re at a small café for Lunch where the three of them sit together at a small table. Kyungsoo and Jongin drink their coffee as Baekhyun slurps loudly on his strawberry smoothie. Jongin tries not to think about the fact that they drink the same flavored coffee, and it wasn’t like that at first. In fact, Jongin had initially thought of coffee as bland, but when they moved in together and Kyungsoo would drink it every morning, Jongin just picked up on the habit. Only ever drinking the same kind as Kyungsoo, because that’s all that he’s ever tried.

 

“Where’s Yixing?” Jongin asks, knowing that usually wherever Baekhyun goes Yixing goes, vice versa. They remind Jongin of his earlier years with Kyungsoo. Except, where Kyungsoo and Jongin were newlyweds, Baekhyun and Yixing are like a high school couple. Both too sweet and playful for anyone to handle, especially when it came to pet names.

 

“Work,” Baekhyun answers. He takes another sip of his smoothie. “But, I called you two here because I got you a gift.” He pulls an envelope out of his back pocket and sets it on the table, sliding it towards the two. “Thank me later,” he says and continues sipping his smoothie with a smirk on his lips.

 

Jongin and Kyungsoo exchange a look, but it’s Jongin who takes the envelope and opens it. His eyes widen, his mouth parts, and he’s looking over at Kyungsoo as he hands the tickets over. “What’s this?” Kyungsoo asks.

 

Baekhyun’s smiling widely with his straw in his mouth. “Do you like it?” He asks.

 

“Baekhyun, I told you that there’s nothing going on. Kyungsoo and I are fine. We don’t need this,” Jongin says. Baekhyun shrugs.

 

“It’s a gift. You wouldn’t reject a gift from your best friend, would you?” And that’s how Jongin and Kyungsoo both find themselves accepting said gift, even if they didn’t exactly want it.

 

 

 

Jongin spends the car ride home inspecting the gift. It’s two tickets to a couple retreat. More specifically—it’s a retreat for couples in need of help fixing their marriage. It was ridiculous at first, the idea of Jongin and Kyungsoo getting marriage help. But as time passes by, Jongin can’t help but think that maybe the idea isn’t so bad. It’s not like they don’t need help. Because Kyungsoo won’t explain why he’s distant and Jongin won’t ask him.

 

“Maybe we should go,” Jongin finds himself commenting out loud. But Kyungsoo disagrees, saying that they don’t need help. But this is what they need more than anything. He knows Kyungsoo is just as embarrassed as he is. They’ve known each other long enough for him to tell. It’s that kind of knowledge—the way he can tell what kind of mood Kyungsoo is in just from his body language alone, the many memories that he shares with Kyungsoo, how close they’ve grown over the years—that makes getting help worth it. Because every second spent with Kyungsoo is too precious to give up now. Not after they’ve been together for so long.

 

The least they can do is try. Try before they officially end it. Before it all falls apart and both are left with nothing but regrets and pain. It’s not what Jongin wants but he thinks that maybe it is for the best. Because he refuses to continue living this kind of life where he’s desperate and lonely. He refuses to be that kind of person. It’s not him.

 

So he pleads, all the emotions he feels slipped into one sentence. The desperation, sadness, fear. “Kyungsoo, please…” And maybe there’s a little bit of hope in there too. Hope that it’ll work for them.

 

Kyungsoo caves in, then. Agreeing with a sigh and a small “okay.” The trip is for one week. They have one week to try and fix themselves. It’s not going to be an overnight fix; it’s going to take time. But one week should be enough to try, to make progress, to know if Kyungsoo really doesn’t love him anymore. And after that week, if nothing changes, Jongin decides that he’ll break it off.

 

It’s his last resort. 

 

  

 

The resort is on an island that neither Jongin nor Kyungsoo are familiar with. On the bright side, it’s still a place where Korean is the primary language so both are able to still get around. It’s early morning by the time they arrive and they don’t get to their hotel until it is close to lunch time.

 

The hotel is modern and bright, not to mention it’s expensive. They don’t know how Baekhyun came up with the money for this trip but according to the website, it’s supposedly one of the best resorts for married couples. Jongin can’t help but feel grateful that Baekhyun would go through the trouble to get them the best he could find. But that doesn’t make the uneasy, nervous feeling in his stomach fade.

 

 

 

They’re handed their schedules when they arrive at the hotel and are sent to their room. It’s on the fifth floor and styled like a large studio apartment. There’s a large window with a view of the beach by the bed, a small kitchen, a bed, and a couch with a flat screen TV. It’s luxurious from the carpet to the wall décor.

 

The sight of the big king-sized bed is what catches them off-guard. Jongin tries not to stare at it or Kyungsoo, and instead he takes to looking at his slippers. The atmosphere is awkward, neither one talking to each other. It’s been a while since they really shared a bed. These days they don’t do so often, not with all the fighting they do. In the end, it’s always one of them sleeping alone.

 

“I… I heard the food is good,” Jongin comments in hopes that it’ll get rid of the awkward atmosphere. Kyungsoo looks at him then, and Jongin hadn’t realized that Kyungsoo hasn’t looked at him once since they’ve arrived. It makes his heart feel heavy but he ignores it, because they’re here to fix that.

 

“Let’s go eat, then?” Kyungsoo suggests. Jongin nods, still feeling awkward and nervous.

 

 

 

There’s a restaurant on the hotel’s first floor despite the rooms having kitchens. Jongin and Kyungsoo sit at a center table, both picking at their foods as the chatter of people around them fills in their silence. The awkward atmosphere is no better as they eat. In fact, it only worsens and it reminds Jongin that they’ve been growing apart. He doesn’t know how to start a conversation with Kyungsoo anymore.

 

The silence isn’t comfortable like when they were younger. Back when there didn’t have to be any words said. And those were the days where whatever words said were always right. He knew just what to say for Kyungsoo to laugh, and Kyungsoo knew just how to make Jongin smile. There aren’t any smiles now. Instead, Jongin keeps his gaze on his plate of untouched food.

 

 

 

Their schedules don’t start until the next day. So the rest of the day is spent indoors where they unpack and try to become familiar with the hotel room. It’s close to 6 pm when Jongin decides to go outside and explore the small city. It’s better than the suffocating air inside that room.

 

He walks out of their apartment alone, past the other hotels, past the small smoothie and ice cream shops, past the cafes and restaurants. It’s lonely when he thinks about it. It gets even more lonely when he sees all the couples passing by, some young and others old. And it reminds him of those days—days he’d do anything to get back. He misses Kyungsoo. He misses his touch, his eyes, his smile, his laugh. He misses the warm words they’d share, being babied (even if he would sometimes complain about it), the food Kyungsoo would make for him. The love.

 

It hurts when he thinks about it. He doesn’t like what they’ve become.

 

 

 

That evening, there’s a distance between them on that bed. Too big of a distance. So big that Jongin can barely tell he’s sharing a bed. They don’t face each other either. And in the dark, where Jongin stares sleepily at the wall across from him, listening to the crickets just outside their windows, he thinks. He thinks about the trip, about Kyungsoo, and he wonders if this really will work for them. If they’re a lost cause, if he should give up and just move on with these memories.

 

That night, Jongin finds it hard to sleep.

 

 

 

The next day they meet Jongdae, their marriage counselor. He’s supposed to help them by giving suggestions on how they can “rekindle their love” and guide them through the whole process. Jongdae suggests that they start at the beginning: dates.

 

And so they try.

 

It’s Jongin’s idea that they go to the beach. That’s where they have the most memories—their summer vacation all those years ago, during their last year in college. He thinks that maybe the open space and water would be calming enough for them to enjoy the time together. But he was wrong. Because Kyungsoo hasn’t showed any interest in the supposed “date.” It doesn’t feel like much of a date anyway.

 

Jongin tries to put the thought aside, telling himself that Kyungsoo just needs some time to get used to this. To get over the fact that they need help with their marriage. But as time progresses, and Jongin puts in effort, there’s no progress. Kyungsoo is quiet, aloof. He doesn’t talk, only sits by the water where he stares at the waves crashing in.

 

Jongin goes to sit beside him, trying to force the awkward tension between them to fade. But Kyungsoo is still silent, looking out. It feels like he doesn’t want to get close, that he’s trying his hardest to keep from doing so. That’s what frustrates Jongin. Because Kyungsoo isn’t telling him anything and Jongin feels embarrassed when his efforts go to waste.

 

“Do you remember the last time we went to the beach?” Jongin asks, once again trying to get something out of Kyungsoo. “We were in college, remember?”

 

“I do,” he says. Jongin smiles, happy to have finally gotten something out of Kyungsoo. But the distance is still there, gradually growing even as they sit where they are now. He can feel it, has always been able to feel that drift. He wonders if Kyungsoo feels it to, or if he even cares that it’s happening. That thought has the smile slipping off of his face.

 

“You’re not trying, Kyungsoo.” He sighs, frustrated and annoyed. Because this is how it always is, isn’t it? He’s giving his all, and Kyungsoo’s not. “I’m putting in a lot of effort but you’re not doing anything. Why aren’t you trying?” Kyungsoo doesn’t look at Jongin at first. He keeps his eyes on the ocean, but then he finally turns to face him.  

 

“Don’t you think it’s a waste of time?” There’s a pang in his chest when he hears those words. It hurts, but Jongin tries his best not to let that hurt show. He swallows down the pain and keeps his expression neutral. “I know you want to end it, so why try?”

 

In this moment, Jongin wishes that Kyungsoo was smiling happily—blowing at the skin just below Jongin’s ear because he knows it tickles, and he likes to make his husband laugh. But that Kyungsoo feels far away right now. Jongin doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to bring that Kyungsoo out again, because Kyungsoo has closed off that side of him. He’s decided that it is over, and Jongin feels stupid for thinking that this trip would help.

 

 “Are you saying you don’t love me anymore?” He asks, a little bit of hurt slipping into his voice. He fails at masking it, and the way Kyungsoo’s eyes sadden makes Jongin think he noticed. “Because if you loved me you would at least try to make things better…”

 

Kyungsoo avoids his eyes again, returning his gaze to the ocean as he speaks. “I’m saying that maybe marriage isn’t for us anymore.”

 

There’s a number of emotions that hits Jongin all at once. Anger, frustration, sadness, pain. It’s all jumbled together that he isn’t sure what to feel. He hates this, hates when Kyungsoo does this. Kyungsoo is too honest sometimes, never knowing how his words can cut into Jongin’s chest. He wonders if Kyungsoo does this on purpose—making Jongin hurt because maybe then it’ll be easier if Jongin cuts their ties.

 

The anger is stronger than all the other emotions combined, and he decides to leave. Not wanting to show Kyungsoo how affected he is. How hurt he is. “Fine, if that’s how you see it then you can fucking pay for your own ticket home.” And so Jongin storms off to their hotel room, letting his emotions get the better of him. He doesn’t bother to look and see Kyungsoo’s expression or say bye.

 

Jongin doesn’t cry when he gets back, even if he wants to. Because crying makes him feel weak and desperate, a feeling that Jongin hates. Especially when it comes to romance. So instead, he crawls under the covers and takes a nap like he always does when he’s stressed out.

 

 

 

Jongin wakes up to the sound of whining only to be met with the source—Jongdae. “You’re late for your appointment,” he states and Jongin groans. He’s losing the motivation to bother. He’d rather go home, far away from this mess, and just end it all. Get it over with even if it’ll hurt. Kyungsoo doesn’t think they’re worth saving and Jongin doesn’t see a point in going through with this if that’s the case.

 

“I’m not going,” Jongin says. He sits up in the bed and scratches at his head, eyes half closed from sleep. Jongdae gives him an unimpressed look, urging Jongin to explain. “Kyungsoo doesn’t think marriage is for us anymore, so what’s the point of continuing? I tried, but he doesn’t want to try. I’m not going to look like an idiot again.” Jongdae still doesn’t look impressed, even after the explanation.

 

“Get changed and come with me.” That’s all Jongdae says before he’s leaving and Jongin has half a mind to not listen. He does so anyway, and is dragged to Jongdae’s office where he’s met with Kyungsoo. “You two,” Jongdae says as he points a finger at the two, “need to talk this out.” Jongin sits down next to his husband. He tries not to look at Kyungsoo even if he struggles with fighting off the want. He’s still hurt and angry about last night. “Kyungsoo, why do you not want to try?”

 

“Kyungsoo never wants to try,” Jongin mutters. Jongdae glares, and the intensity is enough to have Jongin shutting his mouth. Kyungsoo doesn’t look at anything other than his lap before sighing and finally lifting his head to look at Jongdae.

 

 “I don’t think we can fix something that is already broken.” Jongin’s chest tightens. Memories of Kyungsoo’s words the night before are returning. He tries to ignore that pain and frustration. He already knew this would happen. But even if he knew, the pain of a divorce is too much for Jongin to handle. 10 years together, 10 years of memories. Jongin doesn’t remember what it felt like to not have Kyungsoo by his side. Kyungsoo turns to look at Jongin. “I didn’t mean to hurt you yesterday.”

 

 _But you did_ , is what he wants to say. He decides not to, choosing to save his pride. He decides he’d rather look at his hands resting on his lap instead of the eyes he’s grown familiar with. The ones that used to look at him with love and happiness, bringing instant warmth back in their teenage years.

 

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo says. Jongin pretends like he didn’t feel another wave of hurt at the apology.

 

Jongdae’s sigh is what grabs the couple’s attention. “Why did you decide to go on this trip?” Jongdae asks. When neither answers, Jongdae raises an eyebrow and urges them to answer. “Well?”

 

“To fix our marriage,” Jongin answers—mumbles. It’s not as loud as it should’ve been but Jongdae nods in approval anyways.

 

“Exactly. I’ll tell you something,” Jongdae starts. “Marriages aren’t for everyone. Sometimes, things don’t work out. But until you try to help yourselves, you won’t know if there truly isn’t anything that can be done. There is nothing wrong with trying. 10 years is a long time for a couple to be together. That’s a lot of memories, a lot of deep feelings. If you truly thought your marriage was too damaged to fix, you wouldn’t have agreed to come here. If you didn’t want to try and fix it, you wouldn’t have agreed to come here. So, let’s try to save this before we determine whether this marriage is truly dead, yes?”

 

It’s quiet for a moment. Jongdae’s words ring through Jongin’s ears but he can’t help feeling hopeless. He’s pulled from his thoughts by Kyungsoo’s voice, eyes widening at the sound. He wasn’t expecting for Kyungsoo to say anything. He expected him to be silent, probably ignoring Jongdae’s words. “Okay,” Kyungsoo agrees. “If it can help us, then I’ll try harder.” He looks at Jongin and for a brief moment their eyes catch, Kyungsoo’s are filled with sincerity. “I’m sorry, Jongin.”

 

“M-Me too,” Jongin voices. He’s both surprised and nervous. He hasn’t seen Kyungsoo like this in a long time—willingly trying—and it makes him think that maybe there is hope after all. “I want to try too,” he clarifies. Jongdae nods in approval yet again, a smirk on his lips and yet he doesn’t bother to hide it.

 

“Good. Then let’s begin,” Jongdae says.

 

Jongdae suggests that they try going on dates again, so that’s what they do. Their dates are the typical movies, dinners, and sometimes walks. Kyungsoo starts to talk more. He even initiates conversation which is something that has Jongin smiling and his insides warming. But even so, there isn’t any feeling of progress. The dates hold no special value and instead feels boring, forced… It feels nothing like them.

 

 

 

Jongin pulls out his suitcase, his body topless and wet from his previous shower. It’s when he’s searching through for a shirt to throw on that he finds an old crumpled piece of notebook paper. He pulls it out, eyes moving from between the note to the suitcase as he tries to figure out where it might have come from. In all honesty, Jongin hasn’t used that suitcase since college. He had gotten a new one but when he couldn’t find it while packing for the resort, he ended up taking his old one.

 

He opens the note, the words _‘I love you, too…’_ is written in bold black ink. The words are too neat and too small to be his own. The writing below it is faded and smudged from throughout the years but he can still make out the words _‘I love you…’_ written out. That’s when Jongin remembers why he kept it. He had forgotten about it and the memories begin to pour in as he stares down at the note.

 

 

________________________________________________________

 

 

There’s chatter all around. People hold their bouquets, laughing and smiling as they talk with their parents and classmates. Pictures are snapped and cooed over, and worries of college all around. It’s the day of graduation.

 

Jongin stands far from the commotion. It’s cold outside the gym, and the cold breeze doesn’t do anything to lessen that feeling. Kyungsoo stands in front of him, arms full of flower bouquets just like Jongin’s own arms. It’s silent. Kyungsoo is quieter than normal and it has Jongin worrying about why he was dragged there to begin with. He didn’t make it to his parents before he was pulled aside by a nervous Kyungsoo. That’s when he was asked to follow, and just like he has been for years now, Jongin followed.

 

Jongin shifts the flowers in his arms, hoping to make the load feel less heavy. He’s distracted when Kyungsoo finally speaks. “I like you, Jongin.” He almost drops his bouquets right then. His eyes widen, mouth parts, and he’s not sure of what to say in these situations. “I wanted to tell you now. We’re going to the same college and if you think it’s weird then we can just go our separate ways—” Kyungsoo stops then and catches Jongin’s eyes, fear and anxiety mixed within them. “Do you… Think it’s weird? Because I’m a boy….”

 

Jongin isn’t too sure of how to answer, can’t remember how to speak. He searches through his mind for a response but the only thing he can think is that _Kyungsoo_ likes him. He never knew, never would’ve thought that _Kyungsoo_ —a close friend of his—would like him in that way at all. Kyungsoo’s face slowly falls into a frown, disappointment and embarrassment clear on his features as he opens his mouth to find a reason to leave. That’s when Jongin’s mouth finally functions. He doesn’t want Kyungsoo to leave, and he’s rushing to speak in hopes it’ll keep him from doing so.

 

“I don’t think it’s weird,” he says. “Because I like you, too.” And the smile on Kyungsoo’s face is the smile that first started the fluttering sensation in Jongin’s chest, in his stomach. In fact, that smile became something precious to Jongin. Because seeing Kyungsoo smile was enough for Jongin to be happy. He’d give anything for Kyungsoo to keep that smile.

 

…

 

Their first years of college was a time spent dating and studying. They’d study together as much as possible, but by that time Kyungsoo had gained new friends who weren’t connected to Jongin’s circle of friends. Because of that, there would be conflict of schedules. But they still managed to find a way to be together.

 

 It was Jongin who started the exchange. Kyungsoo was stressed with his workload that it pained Jongin to see him that way. The first time, he had left a note in Kyungsoo’s notebook—the word ‘ _Fighting!’_ scribbled onto the paper. It wasn’t much, Jongin knew that. But their busy schedules were making it harder to see each other and Jongin just wanted to show his support somehow.

 

 

Jongin gathers his supplies for class and stuffs them in his backpack. “Did you do this?” Jongin turns and screams at the sight of his boyfriend—Kyungsoo—leaning against the doorway with the note and a smile he couldn’t conceal. Jongin’s eyes travel to the note then back to Kyungsoo before nodding shyly. It’s cliché when he thinks about it. But Kyungsoo is smiling happily, as if the idea was something that meant a lot to him. He moves closer to Jongin and pecks his lips, that smile never fading. “Thank you, Nini.”

 

 

After that, notes became an occurrence for when time made it harder to speak. It was little reminders, mostly. Just a way to show their support and appreciation for each other, and most of the time they were few words. But as time passed, the relationship grew deeper and eventually came the feeling of love. Jongin could feel it was love, because Kyungsoo was the most handsome person he’s ever seen in his life and he’d do anything to see him smile, laugh, or joke. In fact, he’d do anything Kyungsoo asked him to do. He never looked at anyone the way he looks at Kyungsoo; never felt the way he feels about Kyungsoo.

 

Jongin knew it was love because he would make soup when Kyungsoo was sick, hold him when he was sad. He’d think of Kyungsoo when they were apart, think of Kyungsoo when they were together, and he was comfortable enough to be himself around Kyungsoo. Jongin cared deeply for Kyungsoo, memorized every little thing about him. And the way Kyungsoo cared for him was enough for Jongin to know that the feeling was mutual. 

 

 

 

Jongin lies on the single bed, cuddled into Kyungsoo’s side as the thought runs through him. Love. Being young, the feeling felt new to him. The idea was frightening. He knew that feeling—love—is something that can destroy people and he didn’t want to be destroyed. But he trusted Kyungsoo. He trusts that Kyungsoo wouldn’t hurt him or make him feel pain. He trusts that Kyungsoo will be a person he doesn’t mind showing his vulnerability to.

 

And in that moment, Kyungsoo’s arm wrapped around him, Jongin found himself wanting to say it. But the words never reached his lips. His heart picks up its pace and anxiety fills his lungs. “Kyungsoo…” Jongin starts, but his mouth dries up. Kyungsoo looks at him, those eyes doing nothing to ease that intense feeling inside. So Jongin moves, grabs at the notebook on Kyungsoo’s bedside table and writes it out on a piece of paper in pencil before handing it back to Kyungsoo. “Read it?” He begged.

 

Kyungsoo takes the paper with a raised eyebrow and when he goes to read it, Jongin buries his face in his boyfriend’s neck to hide.  He doesn’t see the smile on Kyungsoo’s face, but he feels when Kyungsoo moves to take a pen and writes on the same paper. “I love you, too,” Kyungsoo says. Jongin smiles into Kyungsoo’s neck at the words, his heart beating too fast to be safe. “Say it for me?” Kyungsoo asks.

 

“I…” Jongin lifts his head to look up at Kyungsoo’s face. His heart doesn’t slow down. It only increases in speed and his stomach is fluttering. “I don’t know…” He lets out a nervous laugh. Kyungsoo’s smiles softly and it helps to ease Jongin’s anxiety. That emotion is there when he looks at Kyungsoo, there even when he’s near his boyfriend. “I love you,” he finally says.

 

Kyungsoo presses a quick kiss to his boyfriend’s lips and is smiling even wider, making Jongin feel less embarrassed and afraid.

 

It’s later that evening, when he’s preparing to head back to his dorm, that Jongin folds up and sticks the note into his back pocket. He doesn’t know that it will remain there, the jeans gathered on accident when Jongin messily throws a bunch of clothes from his closet into his suitcase. He doesn’t know that the note would slip out of his pocket and remain within that suitcase until he’s searching for a shirt years later, planning on taking his husband on a date.

 

He doesn’t know that years later, he will be trying to fix a marriage that’s on the verge of breaking.

 

________________________________________________________

 

 

There’s an ache in Jongin chest.

 

He refolds the paper and tosses it back into the suitcase. The memory did nothing but bring up pain and sadness, a feeling he’s been trying to bury this whole trip. The special little things they did together are no longer around. They don’t have that kind of connection anymore. The kind where Jongin trusts that Kyungsoo loves him, trusts that Kyungsoo wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. He’s been hurt too many times since then and he doesn’t know if they’ll ever be able to go back to the way things were.

 

Jongin pulls on a shirt and goes to finish getting ready for the day.

 

 

 

The purpose of these dates is for a couple to connect. Jongin and Kyungsoo have been on several of these dates to try and connect and yet it hasn’t worked for them at all. It’s already been five days. They’re running out of time.

 

Jongin is close to giving up, and the note brings a thought that maybe Kyungsoo won’t ever love him again. Maybe sometimes love dies, even after 10 years of nothing but love. 10 years of being together, growing together. He tries not to think too much on that. Instead, in an effort to try harder, Jongin decides to plan something special.

 

 

 

There was a time, back during their college years, where Jongin had taken Kyungsoo to a concert. Kyungsoo would always love those kind of things back then and even now, Jongin remembers seeing Kyungsoo watching concert videos on his laptop. Work is what limited the amount of events Kyungsoo can go to and Jongin is sure that this plan will aid in them reconnecting.

 

That afternoon, Jongin chooses when Kyungsoo is showering to look up any local concerts or events happening. He scrolls through websites and artists, hoping to find last minute tickets to an artist Kyungsoo likes. Jongin doesn’t know much about music. He’s never been one to invest himself in that kind of thing, but Kyungsoo has always been more of a music fan. It’s Kyungsoo who introduced Jongin to RnB and it’s Kyungsoo who created his playlist. But that was years ago.

 

He still listens to it sometimes—that playlist.

 

He finds one concert online with last minute tickets—three to be exact. It’s just walking distance from their hotel and without hesitancy, Jongin buys the tickets. Kyungsoo chooses that moment to come out the shower with his sweatpants and T-shirt, and Jongin can’t help but smile at the surprise he has planned. Kyungsoo gives him a curious look to which Jongin tries (and fails) to fix his expression. “You’re acting weird,” Kyungsoo says. Jongin could’ve swore he saw Kyungsoo’s lips twitch into a smile.

 

“Actually, I want to take you somewhere tonight.” Kyungsoo freezes on the spot.

 

“Another date?” Jongin nods, suddenly feeling anxious and shy.

 

“It’s something different… I think you’ll like it…” There’s not much of a response from Kyungsoo. That only adds to the weighted feeling. But Jongin tries to think positive about the situation, hoping that maybe this will work for them.

 

 

 

It’s an outdoor concert, Jongin learns. The clouds have darkened the sky and despite it being just 6 pm, it already feels closer to 8. Kyungsoo had expressed his disagreement to an outdoor concert, complaining that he’s sure it’s going to rain. But Jongin, who could only think about the surprise and how he hopes it will bring a smile to his husband’s face, only mentioned that he’s sure they’ll be fine. And maybe he should’ve checked the weather before planning this, but that isn’t his main concern.

 

By the time they reach the venue they make it right when the line is just about clear. There isn’t much of a wait time, but even with the few minutes spent waiting in line, Jongin feels that anxiety creeping beneath his skin. He put a lot of effort into this plan. Anything to see Kyungsoo happy. Anything to rekindle some kind of spark between them. Anything to make this trip worth it.

 

And everything comes crashing down as soon as they reach the entrance. The tickets are handed over, only for them to hear that the tickets are fake and thus they can’t be admitted. To say that Jongin feels embarrassed would be an understatement. He tries to shrug it off with a nervous laugh and when he turns to Kyungsoo, his husband’s face is unreadable. That does nothing to ease the embarrassment and instead only worsens it.

 

People walk past them with raincoats and umbrellas, the first drop of rain hitting his face and he feels like shit. Because maybe it’s a sign that their relationship really can’t be fixed. All Jongin wanted was to make Kyungsoo happy—to remind him that he loves him and that he truly will do anything for him. Just like before, he’s hit with a mix of emotions. Except this time it’s pain, sadness, hopelessness, disappointment, and embarrassment.

 

Jongin goes to sit at the curb as the emotions take over him. It almost feels like he can’t breathe as the realization hits. He didn’t want for them to end like this. He didn’t want for this to be it.

 

A presence beside him is what grabs Jongin’s attention. He looks up in surprise when he sees Kyungsoo standing over him. Without saying anything, Kyungsoo plops down next to Jongin. Seeing his husband, that embarrassment returns and Jongin tries to swallow down his pride to look at him properly. “I’m sorry…” he says. “I didn’t know they were fake. I should’ve known better than to buy last minute tickets.” He lets out a nervous laugh, hoping it will mask the disappointment and fear in his voice.

 

The rain grows heavier as the minutes tick by. Jongin doesn’t know what to say and he doesn’t think there’s anything to be said. An arm around Jongin’s shoulder startles him. He’s being pulled into Kyungsoo’s side, and the contact has Jongin’s heart going crazy. It’s been too long since they’ve been this close. He’s missed it. Missed the touches, the feelings, the words. Everything.

 

They can hear the sound of cheering from the concert in the background, but in that moment it doesn’t concern Jongin. Neither does the rain soaking them. “Thank you,” Kyungsoo says. Jongin looks up to see a smile—the one that makes his heart fill with warmth. “For trying,” he adds. Jongin laughs at that, but it is more at himself than anything.

 

 “Maybe it’s a sign… That we really are too broken to fix…” Kyungsoo is silent and Jongin’s clothes are starting to stick to his skin, but he doesn’t move. He thinks that maybe, if he lets himself go, Kyungsoo wouldn’t be able to see him crying in the rain. “Maybe you were right.” And without realizing, a tear slides down his cheek. He never wanted to admit it.

 

“Let’s go back to the hotel,” Kyungsoo says. Jongin resists the urge to laugh again. _Of course Kyungsoo wouldn’t disagree._ “Before one of us gets sick.” Jongin nods instead, biting his tongue with the urge to start screaming in frustration or crying in pain because either way it is the end of their relationship and Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to care. He wonders when things started to change.

 

 

 

They walk back in silence, Jongin holding himself as he shivers from the cold and wet feeling and Kyungsoo in the same state, rain falling on them. When they get home, Kyungsoo takes his shirt off and Jongin follows.

 

Kyungsoo takes a blanket and hands it to Jongin. “I’ll make you some soup.” He says. “You’re shivering badly. Take a shower and wrap up in this blanket.”

 

“What about you?”

 

“The soup is for both of us. And I have a blanket, too.” Jongin nods and goes to shower, following without really noticing. It feels familiar; Kyungsoo caring for him—babying him like he used to.

 

 

 

After the shower Jongin wraps up in the blanket and eats the soup Kyungsoo made while his husband showers. He feels warmer like this.

 

 Afterwards, they’re sitting next to each other on the bed—wrapped up in blankets and eating soup. They’re surrounded in an awkward silence. The sound of spoons hitting the bowl echoing throughout the empty air and Jongin tries not to feel too awkward or weird.

 

It’s then that Kyungsoo speaks, but the words aren’t what Jongin wanted to hear. “You were crying earlier, weren’t you?” Kyungsoo asks as he sets aside his bowl. “In the rain. You thought I wouldn’t notice…”

 

“Whose fault is it?” Jongin mutters—not really meaning to. He didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t want Kyungsoo to know he was in pain, but the remark slipped out on its own. Like it was just sitting on the tip of his tongue, waiting to be said.

 

“I appreciate what you tried to do Jongin.” But that’s not enough for Jongin. Because he has been trying. He has been trying so hard only to get nothing in return. Nothing except an unwilling husband who hasn’t made an effort to make Jongin think that there’s still something left. It worries him. It makes him think that this marriage is one-sided.

 

“Why are you giving up?” He finally asks. Kyungsoo isn’t really looking at him, too busy staring down at his own lap. Jongin keeps his gaze on him anyways, eyes intense as he watches. “Do you not love me anymore?” And the thought squeezes at his chest in such a way that he’s sure could kill him.

 

“I’ve grown up,” Kyungsoo says, not really answering Jongin’s question. “I’m different now and so are you. I can’t be the playful person I was back when we were in high school or college. I can’t talk as much as you anymore, I can’t play video games all day with you or help you with your homework. I can’t be the person you loved before. We were young when we married and we’re still young. I’m already changing. Don’t you think we’ll just grow further apart as time goes on?”

 

Jongin doesn’t respond, because Kyungsoo is right. He never noticed it before. They both have changed—matured, somewhat. And in the upcoming years, they’ll continue to mature. But Jongin always wanted to do it together—maturing and growing. He wanted to learn from each other as they continue through life.

 

Jongin knows how many moles decorate Kyungsoo’s skin, knows the way Kyungsoo’s eyebrows furrow in thought, and the way he bites his nails when anxious. Jongin knows Kyungsoo—the old Kyungsoo. And he wants to learn the new, mature side of his husband. But apparently, that’s not what Kyungsoo wants. That’s not what his husband agreed to.

 

“I thought that when we married, we would grow up together…” Jongin says, hurt slipping into his tone. He isn’t sure of how to hide it. Not when he’s too far gone in his emotions and he thinks that maybe it doesn’t matter anymore. Because it’s all over anyways. “I thought that love meant supporting each other even through change. That being in love meant I would come to love the new you just as much as I loved the old you.” Jongin looks at Kyungsoo, his eyes feeling teary and his voice threatening to waver. It’s the most vulnerable Jongin has been and he can see the guilt on Kyungsoo’s face. “But to you, I’m not mature enough to handle who you’ve become. You gave up without trying, and you _always_ do.”

 

“That’s not what I meant, Jongin—”

 

“I love you Kyungsoo. I love the old Kyungsoo who had small shoulders and an innocent look. And I love new Kyungsoo who’s muscular and more experienced. I love you no matter what kind of person you turn into or what you choose to change about your appearance. We’ve been together for 10 years, and I’ve known you for longer. Do you really think it’s so easy to throw that away?”

 

“I don’t want you to grow to hate me.” It’s still not an answer, nothing is. Kyungsoo is usually honest, too honest at times. And yet, when Jongin needs his answers the most, Kyungsoo avoids it.

 

“Why do you keep avoiding my questions?! I just need to know if I’m wasting my time. It may be easy for you to move on, but it’s not for me. I never wanted us to turn out this way. I never wanted you to think that we would grow apart. I didn’t ask you to marry me just for us to end like this. I didn’t want us to end at all. You decided on how I would feel before talking to me. You put the distance between us, and I’ve been keeping everything in for too long. If you don’t love me anymore then you should just tell me instead of making me guess. Answer the question, Kyungsoo.”

 

“You really think I don’t love you anymore?”

 

“It’s hard not to when you keep acting like this… Like we’re over before we’ve even reached the end. It’s like you want it to be over…” Jongin tries to regain control of his emotions. His voice is smaller now, vulnerable. He pushes down the urge to cry and tries to hold as much of himself together has he can, but he feels weak and desperate. This is what he wanted to avoid becoming. “It hurts when you’re like this…” A hand grabs his own, causing Jongin to go wide eyed and confused as he looks at Kyungsoo.

 

“I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to hurt you on purpose. I don’t want you to hurt. I’m just… scared... I don’t know how to protect myself from getting hurt. I keep thinking that one day you’ll think I’m boring. That I’m not fun anymore or that I’m not the same person you fell in love with. I’ve been stupid and selfish. I didn’t think about how much you’re hurting and I’m sorry…”

 

It’s an explanation, an apology. But it doesn’t make him feel any better. It doesn’t erase the hurt and humiliation that is tearing at his insides. Kyungsoo is always sorry, always apologizing. But he still doesn’t try, and he’s only thought of himself. He never once tried to reach out. Never once tried to tell him. But then the hand on his own tightens. This feels familiar, that hand and the proximity of their bodies.

 

He doesn’t want to be angry anymore. He doesn’t want to keep fighting. He doesn’t want to lose this familiar feeling. And he doesn’t want to give someone else the privilege of knowing Kyungsoo’s secrets, or creating memories to treasure. He doesn’t want to think of someone else getting to be this close or feel the softness of his hands.

 

“If you were scared,” Jongin starts, staring down at their joined hands in thought. “You should’ve come to me instead of pushing me away. We could’ve talked about it. I could’ve told you.” He pauses. His heart is squeezing again, the pain feeling almost unbearable. He wonders if this is it. If this is really how they’re going to end things. But it’s not like Kyungsoo is all that wrong either. They’ve changed, are changing. “Have we really changed that much? “Jongin asks as he thinks on it, weighing Kyungsoo’s words. He slips up, his voice wavering at the thought.

 

“A little,” Kyungsoo admits. “I know I should’ve told you earlier. It wasn’t supposed to get this bad. I thought I could handle it and that it would go away. But it got worse and it was a stupid thought and I didn’t want to put the idea in your head. I was scared you were going to really leave me and it got to a point where I thought it would be better for you to find someone else.” That guilt is still there in his eyes. But Jongin doesn’t look at it and keeps his gaze focused on their hands.

 

“Is it really useless then?” That nervous feeling is eating away at Jongin’s insides again. He’s afraid of the answer. Afraid of moving past their 10 years together. He doesn’t think he’ll ever love someone as much as he loves Kyungsoo. His eyes feel funny when he thinks about it, a lump forming in his throat, and it’s almost like he’s going to suffocate.

 

It’s Kyungsoo that Jongin is letting decide.

 

“I still love you, Jongin.” And somehow, those words are what has his vision blurring. He’ll be embarrassed when he realizes later. But right now, he can’t think of anything but those words. Because he’s been dying to hear them for so long. Now that he has, he can’t control the wave of emotions.

 

Kyungsoo is holding Jongin, rubbing at his husband’s side to calm him. It’s too familiar, too caring, too tender. Jongin relaxes in the feeling but the tears won’t stop. They continue to fall.

 

The room is silent save for Jongin’s sniffs and sobs. He calms down eventually, and when he does, Kyungsoo is smiling but it’s small. “You were right,” Kyungsoo says. “About love and marriage… We’re married now. I can’t hide when I’m scared. I can’t think of myself anymore. I have to think of you, too. It’s not easy for me either, you know… 10 years is too long of a time. I don’t know what to do without you…”

 

One year. In one year they’ve fallen apart. Those words were the reassurance he needed. “Thank you,” is all Jongin can think to say. He doesn’t know how to express the way he feels. Maybe they really can make this work. Maybe they can bridge the gap between them. Maybe this isn’t the end.

 

 There’s still hope.

 

 

  

They decide that in these next two days, they will continue their dates. It’s Kyungsoo who takes Jongin out, and even though these dates are the same movies, dinners, and walking as before, it feels special. Because this time, it’s with _Kyungsoo_. The Kyungsoo Jongin fell in love with. The Kyungsoo that Jongin can’t get enough of. Not the distant one that never put in effort.

 

He learns more about the new Kyungsoo. New Kyungsoo isn’t much different from before. He’s quieter but he jokes when he can, and he reads more, exercises more, cares more for health. There’s an effort being made, Jongin notices. And in these two days, Kyungsoo smiles more and laughs more. He truly is precious.

 

 

 

“Do you remember when you proposed to me, Jongin?” They’re walking home when Kyungsoo brings it up, their hands held together as they walk, and Jongin swings them like the child he is. Jongin nods as the memory returns. It wasn’t anything special. In fact, he didn’t even get on one knee.

 

He proposed during a time where they were sitting on their couch watching a drama; Kyungsoo talking about how he thinks he would be an actor in another life, and Jongin joking about how Kyungsoo can barely even lie. It was during that moment, when Jongin saw the way Kyungsoo laughed casually, that he decided to do it. He had grabbed Kyungsoo’s hand and looked at him, his stomach full of a fluttering sensation. _“Kyungsoo... Will you marry me?”_. He remembers the look of surprise on Kyungsoo’s face and the smile that appeared. He remembers the _“Of course,”_ from Kyungsoo. He remembers how comfortable it all was because neither cared for the over-romantic stuff. And he remembers the thought of how he could spend the rest of his life like that; doing nothing but sitting together, watching TV and talking.

 

“I remember,” Jongin says.

 

“I think about it sometimes. I thought about it a lot during this whole trip. I don’t want us to end, Jongin. I want to try harder to make us work, and to be less insecure… I meant it when I said I love you. I’m going to make everything up to you. I’m going to show you that those words hold meaning.”

 

“Why are you talking like that? You sound like you came out of a drama.” Jongin tries not to laugh when he sees the serious look Kyungsoo gives him, and instead he squeezes his husband’s hand in reassurance. “You don’t have to make anything up to me. Just you trying is enough.” Jongin smiles at Kyungsoo then and he gets pursed lips before Kyungsoo sighs and lets it go. He doesn’t speak on it and instead they continue on in a comfortable silence.

 

It’s their last they at the resort. The moon has replaced the sun, and the couple had already gone to see Jongdae for the last time. The proud smile he received was somewhat satisfying for Jongin, and Jongdae had expressed his distaste for how long it took them to work out their issues. But in the end he wished them luck and mentioned that they’re improving. That was more than enough for Jongin.

 

 

 

They get back to their apartment when it’s close to 9 pm. Jongin looks out the window towards the beach, watching the waves crash onto the shore. It’s a beautiful sight; the moon’s reflection in the water only adding to that. He turns to Kyungsoo who just exited the shower. He’s fully dressed in sweats and a T-shirt with a towel on his shoulder, and smiles when he sees Jongin looking at him.

 

“I think I’m going to miss this place,” Jongin says. Kyungsoo goes over to sit on the bed and Jongin joins him. “I’d live here if I could.” He leans his head onto Kyungsoo’s shoulder, and places a hand on his husband’s thigh. He bites at his bottom lip, wondering if he should bring up the question that’s been running through his mind.

 

It’s worrisome. This is their last day and it’s only now that they’ve finally started to work harder in fixing their marriage. But the thought of what happens when they get back has been eating away with him. Life will continue, work will come, and Jongdae won’t be around to complain to. “Do you think we’ll be okay?” He finally asks. He looks up at Kyungsoo, waiting for an answer.

 

“I thought we sorted this out already.”

 

“I know, but I want to be sure. We’re young, like you said. We got married at 22. There’s a lot of things that can go wrong in the next few years. I’m scared, too.” He mutters the last sentence, still struggling to admit these emotions out loud. But Jongin does it anyways, because he knows that holding it in is what got them there to begin with. Jongin thinks it’s okay to be vulnerable. Only for Kyungsoo, that is.

 

“You shouldn’t think about those things.” Jongin tightens his hold on Kyungsoo’s thigh. It doesn’t help to ease his worries. “There’s no use worrying about something that hasn’t happened. We’ll work things out.”

 

“I… Really do love you…” He presses a kiss to his husband’s neck, just below his ear.

 

“I love you, too.” Kyungsoo pets at Jongin’s hair. “Baekhyun is going to be bragging a lot when we come back.”

 

Jongin sighs at that, not really in the mood to deal with Baekhyun’s knowing looks or to even think about it. He can already see that it’s going to be a pain in the ass dealing with him, especially with all the sex jokes he’ll probably make. But, when he thinks about it, if it wasn’t for Baekhyun they probably would have ended in divorce. This trip, their friend, even Jongdae and his suggestions helped them to finally connect with each other—to grow more understanding.

 

Fear is a funny thing, Jongin thinks. That fear can make a person shut down, lock themselves away from those who truly care. Jongin wants to take away all of Kyungsoo’s fears. He wants to show him that it’s okay to be afraid, but there’s nothing to be afraid of because Jongin is right here.

 

“I found something,” Jongin announces. He stands up and goes to pull out his suitcase, digging through it and ignoring Kyungsoo nagging in the background about how they just packed. When he finds the note buried beneath layers of clothes, he returns to his husband and tosses it onto his lap with a “shut up” that lacks any real heat. Kyungsoo glares at him, not appreciating Jongin’s choice of words but he doesn’t speak on it and instead opens the note to read it.

 

Jongin watches the way Kyungsoo’s glare smooths over into a look of nostalgia, the corner of his lips twitching into a fond smile. “You really kept this?” Kyungsoo asks as he looks up at Jongin with wide eyes that reminds him of when they were in high school. Kyungsoo looks innocent like this. Cute, even with the muscles and handsome features he’s developed over the years.

 

“I guess it felt out into my suitcase. I’m not sure, but I found it days ago… It was when we first got here, and it reminded me a lot of when we were in college and would leave each other notes.” Jongin sits next to his husband now, trying hard not to revert into his shy self. He can’t help it even if he wants to. But Kyungsoo’s smile makes him feel comfortable, more sure than he used to be. “We were just as bad as Baekhyun and Yixing,” he jokes. Kyungsoo chuckles in agreement and places the note aside to look Jongin in the eyes.

 

There’s something endearing about the way Kyungsoo’s eyes crinkle when he smiles or laugh. It makes affection blossom within Jongin’s chest as he stares, eyes roaming over the small details of Kyungsoo’s face. From the mole on his lip, his eyelid, to the shape of his lips—Jongin’s eyes linger there, staring at the pink tint, his mind remembering what they taste like and he realizes that’s it’s been a long time since they kissed, touched.

 

He doesn’t notice how his mouth parts just slightly, wanting, waiting for Kyungsoo to fit their lips together, brush their tongues against each other. The smirk he receives has Jongin snapping back to reality and he knows he’s caught; knows he can’t lie about not blatantly staring, craving. He shouldn’t have to anyway, because they’re married. But he doesn’t know if it’s okay, if it’s appropriate. He doesn’t know if they’re going to take the recovery process slow or if they could just pick back up where they left off—with heated kisses, inappropriate touching, and moaning out how good each other feels.

 

“Up here,” Kyungsoo says and Jongin mindlessly drags his eyes back up to Kyungsoo’s own. He doesn’t have time to react when he feels the press of a hand to the nape of his neck, and he’s being pulled closer until there’s a press of lips on his own and his eyes close automatically. It’s so familiar, full of the passion he remembers.

 

Kyungsoo knows his mouth, hasn’t forgotten in the days, weeks, _months_ they spent (emotionally) apart. It feels good. Kyungsoo always knows how to make him feel good. And he’s groaning at the tongue on the roof of his mouth, the teeth nipping softly at his lip. He reciprocates, kissing back just as passionately. It’s the perfect balance between hot and sweet, the perfect mixture of being neither too slow nor too fast. There’s no aggression, no rush. And Jongin loves it.

 

At some point, Jongin is pushed onto his back. They part to breathe and Jongin can’t help but look up into Kyungsoo’s eyes, feeling the sincerity and affection within them. He wants this, wants him so bad. Wants to remember what it feels like to be stuffed full. Wants to show Kyungsoo just how much he loves him. Just how much he wants him, needs him.

 

Kyungsoo takes off his shirt and tosses it aside somewhere, Jongin following suit until they’re both topless. Kyungsoo’s abs are tempting, hot. Jongin can’t help but run his hand over them, appreciating the dips and curves, and how they look nothing like his own. Kyungsoo works out more than him, has more developed abs, a more toned body. He loves it, has always found it hot.

 

His hand meets Kyungsoo’s belt, and without hesitation Jongin is pulling at it, tossing it with their shirts and unfastening the button. Kyungsoo stands over him on his knees, eyes lidded and arousal clear in his features as he watches. “When was the last time?” Jongin asks, staring up at his husband. Kyungsoo looks confused before Jongin finally clarifies. “That we did this. When was the last time we did this?”

 

“I don’t remember…” Jongin hums, and he leans up to wrap his arms around Kyungsoo’s neck and pulls him down into another kiss. It’s just as slow as before, except it’s Jongin who leads the kiss now, Kyungsoo growing more affected.

 

When they part, Jongin leans in to Kyungsoo’s ear, breath ghosting over the shell. He bites at the lobe, loving the hum he gets in return and he moves down his husband’s neck. He sucks on Kyungsoo’s adam’s apple and in return Kyungsoo’s hands move to touch all over Jongin’s body. From his sides, to his back, to his waist, his chest. It feels good, so good. His breath hitches when Kyungsoo thumbs at his nipples. Fingers twist and pull at them, rubbing circles around them and pressing at them.

 

Jongin has to pull away, leaning back and letting Kyungsoo touch them, play with them until they’re fully erect. He grips at Kyungsoo’s hair when lips are attached, moaning softly at the feeling. He can already feel his pants tenting, basking in the attention he’s receiving. “I’m going to make you feel good,” Kyungsoo says into the skin, voice low and heavy with arousal. “I’m going to make it all up to you. Everything.” Jongin’s mouth stops functioning. He wants to respond. He wants to tell Kyungsoo that he really doesn’t have to, but he can’t when one of his favorite spot—the one just to the right of right nipple—is being sucked at, kissed. Like Kyungsoo did it on purpose. Like he doesn’t want Jongin to reject his offer.

 

And so Jongin lets him. He lets Kyungsoo take control. He lets Kyungsoo show him how sorry he is—how badly he wants to make up those months of hurt. He moans softly when Kyungsoo’s lips move down to his stomach, kissing and sucking at each inch of skin until he’s reached Jongin’s navel. It’s another favorite spot of his—just below his belly button. Kyungsoo sucks. It’s harsh but so good, the bite just as pleasurable. Jongin leans all the way down, his back hitting the mattress.

 

Kyungsoo knows him so well, is treating him so well. Jongin’s feeling breathless, hotter, his cock twitching at every nip. He wants his pants off, his underwear off. He wants Kyungsoo touching him, kissing between his legs, at his thighs. He wants Kyungsoo inside of him. He wants to feel Kyungsoo leaning over him, staring down with lust-filled eyes and wide pupils. He wants to stare into them, watching with every thrust inside. He wants to feel Kyungsoo _everywhere_. _Fuck_ he loves Kyungsoo.

 

“My pants—baby _please,_ take them off?” It’s been a long time since he used that term. His voice is just an octave lower, dipped in arousal. He looks down and pleads with his eyes. His breath hitches at the way Kyungsoo looks up at him and he looks so hot between his legs like that. He has the sudden craving to watch Kyungsoo suck him off but it’s not what he wants. Not now. He just needs to be fucked. He just needs to feel Kyungsoo, right now, in this moment.

 

And it’s not because of the sex. Not entirely. He wants it because it’s Kyungsoo, someone he loves and trusts. Someone who appreciates him enough, _loves him_ enough to do this. To make Jongin feel good, to apologize. Kyungsoo who Jongin has known for _years_ —his _husband_.

 

“Anything for you, baby,” Kyungsoo says, that word—“baby”—dipped in sex. Jongin groans, loving it. Loving every bit of it.

 

Relief hits when his cock is finally free and Jongin continues to watch as Kyungsoo places kisses on his thighs, starting from his knee and up to between his legs. It’s slow, each kiss lingering and sending small shocks of pleasure through Jongin’s body. He hums as Kyungsoo approaches his cock, and licks his lips at the sight. He’s waiting, anticipating, excited to just feel his lover—his husband—touch him more, right where he wants it, _needs_ it.

 

Kyungsoo smirks like he knows what he’s doing, and he does. Truly. Because Kyungsoo remembers all the ways to make Jongin dizzy with arousal, driving him insane with lingering touches until he’s begging for faster, harder. Except, tonight Jongin doesn’t want fast or hard. He wants slow. He wants to savor every second of this, every touch because he needs it, truly.

 

“Lube,” Kyungsoo says. “Do we have any lube?” Jongin swallows, scrambling to collect the bottle of lube within the nightstand. (He had found it a few days ago when he was browsing through the drawers—curious. He had been too embarrassed, thinking about whether or not it would get used, and instead placed it back and never spoke of it.) Kyungsoo raises a brow at Jongin, questioning and curious, but Jongin just shrugs it off.

 

The first finger is only slightly uncomfortable. He hasn’t been in the mood to touch himself in a while. But he tries not to think about why because Kyungsoo is right here, making it all up to him like he said. Like he promised. Kyungsoo watches his face, looking for a reaction but it doesn’t take long for the discomfort to fade. Kyungsoo even remembers his insides, finding the right pace to thrust at and knowing where to angle his finger to find—“ _Fuck! Kyungsoo!_ ” Jongin cries out, moaning at the pressure being applied to his prostate.

 

His husband smirks again, and kisses at his jaw, down his neck and back up again until he ends it with a press to his cheek. Kyungsoo smiles down at him, holding himself up with a hand pressed beside Jongin’s head as he hovers over Jongin’s body. “I’m adding another,” Kyungsoo announces. Jongin nods and waits, preparing himself for the next wave of discomfort.

 

With two fingers, the press to his prostate feels even more blissful. It’s only fingers, nothing compared to the real thing and yet Kyungsoo knows just what he likes, how he likes it, that he has Jongin crying out his husband’s name. It feels right on his lip, that name. It slides off with ease, sounding so beautiful to his own ears.

 

Three fingers and Kyungsoo is no longer thrusting them in. Rather he just _rubs_ , massages the gland with slow strokes. Mixed with the harsh pressure, it feels amazing. So amazing that Jongin is arching, clenching, his hands scrambling to grip at the sheets as he approaches his end.

 

But not like this. He doesn’t want it to end like this. He still has to feel Kyungsoo inside, feel the press of his cock that fills him up just right and works him open like Jongin’s ass is his. “N-Not like this,” Jongin breathes out, his voice trembling from the pleasure running through him. Another stroke and he’s gasping, whimpering. “K-Kyungsoo, i-inside me. I w-want you to fuck me.” He gasps again, tries to keep from whining when those fingers are removed.

 

“Okay,” Kyungsoo whispers. He smiles down at Jongin and brushes his bangs away with his clean hand. Jongin can feel the sweat sticking to his skin, knows his hair is starting to mat. There’s a sparkle in Kyungsoo’s eyes when he looks at Jongin, one that makes his insides feel funny and bring a kind of heat that isn’t caused by arousal. But it adds to it, intensifies it into something more.

 

Jongin watches, a hand lazily stroking at his cock, as Kyungsoo slips out of his own jeans and underwear He hisses at the touch, the pressure building and he doesn’t know how long he’ll last thanks to all the teasing.

 

Jongin trails his eyes down to Kyungsoo’s cock, staring at it and unconsciously adding more pressure to his strokes as all the memories come back. The times he’s felt that cock, tasted it. All the times it took him apart, wrecked him until he couldn’t do anything but moan over and over again. He’s missed it, missed Kyungsoo. Missed the intimacy.

 

A condom and lube later, Kyungsoo is guiding himself into Jongin. It’s a stretch, the initial push is uncomfortable and slightly painful, but Kyungsoo prepped him well. It’s not as painful as it could be—nothing like their first time, back when neither even knew what lube or prep was. Jongin handles it well, taking it all in as Kyungsoo goes slowly, allowing him to feel every inch of his cock push into his rim. He feels it, feels Kyungsoo and that is the thought that outweighs the pain, that makes it all worth it.

 

Kyungsoo waits after he’s only halfway in, leaning down to press a kiss on Jongin’s cheek, another on his lips. Jongin reciprocates, releases the sheets with one hand and uses it to pull Kyungsoo down by the back of the neck. He pulls him close enough to kiss, holding him there with his hand as he sucks on Kyungsoo’s tongue, sucks at his soft lips. Always so soft from the chapstick he keeps in his pockets, a little quirk Jongin loves—doesn’t know what he’d do without it because he’s gotten so used to being able to turn to Kyungsoo in the cold and knowing that he’ll have a chapstick when he needs it.  

 

Jongin kisses back aggressively, hungry, until they’re only panting into each other’s mouth. Kyungsoo presses his forehead against Jongin’s, looks him in the eye and it brings shivers up his body. That shine is still there, sparkling and beautiful, giving Jongin so much life. So much happiness.

 

And then Kyungsoo moves, slow at first, as if experimenting. He rocks into Jongin, watching the way his face scrunches up from the feeling. From being pressed into, stretched open by his husband. Jongin can hear Kyungsoo’s breathes, knows he’s never one to be loud in bed but the little pants and groans he lets out every now and then—the growls he so rarely slips out during the times when they get too hard, too fast, and are fucking as if they’re animals—is something Jongin takes pride in hearing, knowing that it’s because of him and only him. Because Kyungsoo thinks he feels tight, feels hot, feels so, so amazing.

 

“It really has been a long time,” Kyungsoo breathes, right next to Jongin’s ear. He shivers again. “You’re so tight.” Jongin moans, his hands moving to grip Kyungsoo’s shoulders only to slide to his back and scratch light marks, ones that will fade quick. But then Kyungsoo’s hands are on his arms, pushing them away from his back, and sliding up his forearms to intertwine their fingers.

 

Kyungsoo presses their joined hands to the mattress, and it’s just as intimate as their bodies connected. Jongin wraps his legs around Kyungsoo’s waist; moaning, whining, and whimpering at every drag of Kyungsoo’s cock. It reaches deeper each thrust, deeper and deeper yet never fast and only slow. Jongin loves it, loves that it feels like it’s not enough yet at the same time it’s perfect. He loves the feeling, wants it to never end.

 

Kyungsoo is looking at him again, telling Jongin to open his eyes and Jongin does. He tries, and looks at him, feeling a little afraid of how vulnerable he is right now. But it’s Kyungsoo. It’s Kyungsoo and he loves him, he truly does love him. He’s missed him so much, the emotion overwhelming and he can see in Kyungsoo’s eyes that it’s the same for him, too. But it’s not him who says it first.

 

“I missed you,” Kyungsoo says. He picks up speed now, not too fast but his thrusts are no longer slow and it makes Jongin groan. Kyungsoo leans down to kiss at his neck, bite at the skin before saying the words again, mouth pressed against the skin. “I missed you, so much.”

 

Jongin wants to say it, too. He wants to but Kyungsoo’s fucking him so good right now that his mind is blurred with lust and emotions, affection. “Love you,” Kyungsoo says. “I love you, too.” Jongin whimpers, tries his best to reciprocate but he’s already rocking his hips into each thrust in, trying to keep up.

 

“I-I… Me, too,” he says instead. “M-Me, too. L-Love you, too…” He gasps on a particularly deep thrust, one much deeper than the rest, and it presses just a few inches away from his prostate. “Kyungsoo!” He cries out. He can’t keep his eyes open anymore but he can _feel_ Kyungsoo watching him, kissing him, marking him. He can feel Kyungsoo over him, in him, _everywhere_. He’s invading his senses.

 

One more deep thrust and Kyungsoo is releasing one of Jongin’s hand to grab at his cock instead. He strokes him, and Jongin is in heaven. He doesn’t know whether to press down or grind into Kyungsoo’s hold, but then Kyungsoo is telling him to look at him one last time. And Jongin does, struggles to keep his eyes open as he stares up at Kyungsoo. The affection there, the love, and the lust are all too much. The blissed-out look, the way his eyes close every now and then.

 

“I missed you,” Kyungsoo says one last time and Jongin comes, his body threatening to curl into himself as Kyungsoo strokes and fucks him through it. Kyungsoo’s name is on the tip of his tongue, he’s crying it out when he comes, feeling the way come drips down his cock, down Kyungsoo’s hand. He doesn’t realize he’s closed his eyes, not until he opens them again and is filled with nothing but Kyungsoo’s face.

 

He’s oversensitive, his body twitching as Kyungsoo continues to fuck him into his own orgasm and Jongin tries to help him through it. He whispers words he knows— _remembers_ —can get Kyungsoo off, throwing in encouragements every now and then. And then Kyungsoo comes with a groan, and it’s a beautiful sight, really.

 

 

 

The condom is tossed into the trash, a rag pressed against Jongin’s body to clean up the mess. It feels cool against his skin. Jongin is too exhausted to move, but he feels amazing and calm. Kyungsoo tosses the rag into the bathroom sink when he’s done. When he comes back, he lays next to Jongin. They’re both on their backs, staring up at the ceiling, Jongin’s eyes threatening to slip close so he can fall into a deep sleep.

 

Kyungsoo turns over then, body moving closer to curl into Jongin’s side. The movement grabs his attention and when he feels the press of the shorter body against him, he wraps his arm around his husband’s waist. “Tired?” Kyungsoo asks as he looks up at Jongin. Jongin looks back at him and nods.

 

“It was really, really good,” he admits and he enjoys the smile he receives.

 

“Was it an okay apology?”

 

“I already forgave you...”

 

“Nobody forgives someone that easy. Not after being hurt for a whole year,” Kyungsoo says with a frown. “I should be trying to make it up to you, don’t you think? Shouldn’t you make it harder for me to be forgiven or something?”

 

“You really do watch a lot of TV, don’t you?” Kyungsoo is giving him that serious look again, and so Jongin tries not to laugh. “I think we learned a lot about each other this week. We made progress and we can try and work on things a little at a time… Talking to me is a good way to start.” He tries not to cringe at how much he sounds like Jongdae. “I don’t want to be mad at you forever. Not when you’re already trying to fix things. That will only drift us apart again, so I forgive you.”

 

Kyungsoo’s lips purse, and Jongin finds it adorable but he doesn’t say anything. He just waits, watches as Kyungsoo thinks. But all that’s really going through his mind is how much Kyungsoo means to him and how he hopes that this will work. That they can make this work, because losing Kyungsoo is something he isn’t sure he’ll handle well. No. He _know_ s he won’t handle it well.

 

But even with the 10 years they’ve spent together, even with the one year of pain, he knows that he loves Kyungsoo. He knows that he’ll never love someone as much as he loves the man next to him. Kyungsoo is his first, will always be his first, even if they do… break up… divorce.

 

But right now, he doesn’t need to worry about that. He doesn’t think he’ll ever have to, because they’re trying. They’re going one step at a time to slowly strengthen their marriage, to slowly reconnect with each other. Understand each other. It’s no longer about Kyungsoo or Jongin, it’s about the both of them.

 

“Okay,” Kyungsoo says, smiling slightly but still looking somewhat unsure. Jongin thinks that guilt is enough suffering, knowing that it’s probably just as painful for Kyungsoo to think about hurting Jongin.

 

That exhaustion returns, a yawn reminding him of how tired he is. “Don’t worry about it, Kyungsoo,” is all he can say before he’s slowly starting to drift into sleep. He tries to blink it away, wanting to enjoy the last few hours they have on this trip before they’re heading on a plane home in the morning. He fails, sleep winning over wants, and he briefly hears Kyungsoo whispering into his ear.

 

_“I love you, Jongin.”_

 

 

 

Morning comes and is spent at the airport. Kyungsoo nags about Jongin taking too long to get ready and how they’ll miss the plain; Jongin complains about being rushed and how he just wants to make sure he isn’t missing anything. It’s small bickering, nothing unusual for married couples and that makes Jongin feel happy. Knowing that even with the bickering and the fights, Kyungsoo is still his and he’s still Kyungsoo’s. Knowing that they still love each other.

 

It’s nothing like the past year where Jongin doubted everything, doubted Kyungsoo. He thinks this when he sits next to his husband on the plane, Kyungsoo reading some book that he purchased the other day. Kyungsoo looks up at him, catching him staring and gives a questioning look. “What?” He asks before showing Jongin the book and wondering if that’s what it is.

 

“Nothing,” Jongin responds and instead relaxes into his chair, deciding to nap during the plane ride. Kyungsoo looks at him weirdly before returning to his book.

 

 

 

When they get back home, they’re greeted by all their friends. It’s Baekhyun’s idea to throw them a “welcome back” party, celebrating their “second honeymoon”—that’s what Baekhyun had told their friends to cover the couple’s whereabouts. Lucky for them, Baekhyun didn’t tell anyone the truth about their trip, but the smirk on Baekhyun’s face has both Jongin and Kyungsoo rolling their eyes. Predictably, when they’re alone with just Baekhyun and Yixing, they’re met with expectant looks.

 

“So how was the vacation? Did you two have mind blowing hate sex to work things out?”

 

Kyungsoo hits Baekhyun upside the head with a muttered “It’s none of your business” that has Yixing and Jongin laughing. Then he looks at Jongin, a look shine in his eyes and a smile on his lips before turning back to Baekhyun. “But… Thank you, I guess.”

 

Baekhyun gapes, obviously not expecting for Kyungsoo to be the one to thank him. Kyungsoo quickly realizes his mistake when Baekhyun’s gape turns into a smirk. “Did you hear that Yixing? Kyungsoo _thanked_ me!” 

 

“Don’t let it get to your head,” Kyungsoo mumbles. But then Jongin steps in.

 

“Really, Baekhyun… Thank you. You helped us.” Which only adds to the bragging and endless teases. But it eventually dies down and Baekhyun gets all serious, telling them that it’s okay to trust him and that he’s their friend. And at the end of it all, when everyone has left and the couple are finally alone, they relax into their couch.

 

Kyungsoo turns on a drama, Jongin gathers snacks, and they spend the rest of the evening doing nothing but watching TV together. And Jongin, who is cuddled into Kyungsoo’s side like a child, can’t help but want this to last forever. He falls asleep like that, but not before he’s whispers “I love you, Kyungsoo.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is! 13k of kaisoo with marriage issues. Honestly, this fic turned out different from what I wanted it to be. But I tried my best with writing/explaining their emotions and in trying to make this interesting and yeah. (This fic is actually one that I hate.) Anyways, thank you for reading. I truly do appreciate it <3


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